Posts tagged ‘trees’

December 15, 2011

Elves on Shelves

by pastortimfowler

It is the latest twist on Christmas chaos, the Elf on the Shelf. My wife even sent me a link to a “Christian version” of it. I am assuming that because she titled the email “blog”, that she wanted me to blog about it, and, since I take other crazy ideas from other crazy people, I guess I should give this a try. But let me say this: If anyone gets upset with me over this one, you are a sick person and you need another hobby besides taking my blogs too seriously.
Why do we need an elf on the shelf? Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good and he doesn’t need no stinkin’ elf to tattle on kids. Its bad enough that you have to worry about that little snitch of a brother or sister, and now an elf? As a former kid, I look at it as an invitation to use firecrackers, like the ones I used on Barbie. And you know what? Barbie never snitched on me or GI Joe again.
My fear with this is 2 fold. First, the possibility that this will catch on and start running year round and taking more money out of the pockets of dads who really just want to keep kids and wives from whining when they could be spending it on a new fishing rod. Second is the fact that too many Christians get their panties in a wad about silly things, including elves on shelves, and feel like they have to do a “Christian” version of everything. They take a plastic Mary and Joseph and they “travel” all around the house. So is it better to lie about elves telling on you or Mary and Joseph traveling around your house?
Look: We have enough Christmas junk as it is. Between trees and lights and wreaths and stockings, and mistletoe, and Rudolf and baby Jesus with all the animals, why do we need anything else? I don’t have room in my attic for that much stuff and by the time I get it all out and put it up around the house, it is time to take it down and try to get it back into the attic. I quit drinking years ago and this, I fear, could cause others to start.
I don’t like elves on shelves and I don’t like the traveling plastic parents of Jesus. It is just one more thing to distract from the true meaning of Christmas and fill our kid’s heads with confusing stories of what the Grinch really stole. However, I do invite the Grinch to steal all the elves and traveling plastic parents of Jesus if they were to ever find their way to my house.
Merry Christmas.

March 21, 2011

Killer Bees

by pastortimfowler

One of my favorite things to do is get outside and look at what creation puts in front of me. Blogging outside helps my mind to flow with brilliance and often my brain will nearly burst into flames from the streams of brightness. You know what I’m talking about.
Today I am sitting outside looking at all the things that I agree with God about; flowers, green grass, cool breezes, and ants. I do wish that God would have got my input on bees, especially killer bees.
There are only 2 living things that God created that I am afraid of, horses and bees. Horses are easy to deal with because they are large and rarely do they fly through the window of my truck. Bees on the other hand will just appear out of nowhere. Sometimes they get through windows that have never been opened and they always seem to find me.
So I am looking up at the tree that is in our front yard. It is one of those that produce the helicopter looking whirly things. Right now it has a bunch of tassels hanging off it and they conveniently color my truck yellow every night while it is parked. So what do you think is flying around my tree right now? That’s right. Killer bees. Thousands of killer bees are buzzing around my tree and I am waiting on them to decide which of my movements they don’t like so that they give the signal and swarm to cover me in painful stings, then carry me away to their nests to feed me to their children.
Horses would never do that. They just like to bite me and lean against trees while I try to ride them.
My neighbor, a crazy old man, tried to tell me that they were not killer bees but rather honey bees and that this happens every year during Spring. He says they won’t swarm and rarely sting when they are in the tree so high up. He says that I am paranoid and that bees can sense fear in people and that is what usually cause them to become curious and occasionally sting. Right…honey bees.
I see them looking at me with their multi-faceted eyes. As I was walking in from my truck earlier when one of them swept down and buzzed my head, but I didn’t panic because I knew that I had this blog to get out and that if I stayed calm and ran as fast as I could that I could get into the house before they sounded the attack signal.
I let my dogs out first before I came out to blog. I figured if someone had to die and be carried off to be fed to baby bees it could be one of them.
So far so good. We are all still here. But I do wish God would have gotten my opinion on horses and killer bees first.